Marriage's Surgery

Abad, Glory
29 March 2010
RD 3

Marriage’s Surgery

Filipino families are known for being very strict, especially when their reputation is on the line. Since my father was a minister, the steps toward adulthood through traditional Christian values was sternly enforced. My parents strongly believed that a couple should be united as one in Christ through marriage before having a baby. When I delivered the bitter sweet news that they were going to be grandparents again, my boyfriend (back then) and I were to be married as soon as high school graduation was over. [THESIS] The early journey into marriage that I set out on has transformed me into a mature and strong-minded woman from the many obstacles that my husband and I encountered. [THESIS]

After being married for two years, my husband breaks to me the devastating news...he wants to get a legal separation because he is having an affair with his co-worker. Those words, “I am fooling around,” felt like a dagger penetrating my chest and through my heart making it stop beating for a minute. I was only 19 years old, with a 24 month old daughter, and heading towards being a statistic for the ever growing divorce rate. His whole point in getting a legal separation was for him to “explore” what’s out there since we jumped into marriage really quick and he wasn’t sure if I was the “right one.” If he didn’t find this treasure on this adventure that he wanted to embark on, he would come running back to me. I constantly blamed myself for my husband’s infidelity. I thought it was because of the lack of time that I had for my family since I was always with my mother. She needed me the most because she was a new widow after the passing of my father. Most of my time was spent helping her at their church, that my father left behind, with the many activities that they have.

This gash on my chest hasn’t even started healing, yet this man that I love who punctured my dignity stick his hands into this wound, pulls out my heart, and crushes into a million pieces by telling me that his mistress is pregnant with his baby. This was totally the end of our marriage because I assumed he found that treasure he’s been longing for and wanted to be on this adventure forever. I hired an off duty Sheriff to hand him the divorce papers personally. I guess this life changing document hit him hard and made him come to his senses. He realized that the treasure he’s been searching for was right there all along. Stitching up my injury and putting a band aid over it wasn’t going to be enough; this relationship was in need of a major surgery. We both went to a psychologist for marriage counseling to repair the damages that was done.

First was the anesthesia, I had to forgive him for his shortcomings. If I didn’t go through the numbness, this procedure could hurt more than it already did. The numbing part kicked in after a while because forgiveness didn’t come easy. I had to forgive this girl who did me wrong that I’ve never even met (till this day). Especially since she decided to keep my husband’s baby. Next was the incision, which is actually a key element for this surgery to work out, open communication. My husband and I had to learn how to communicate effectively without bringing up our faults. This was very difficult because I had to be honest with myself and tell him how I really felt not having to blame him for the grief that he caused me.

Going in through the incision to fix the problem was the process of regaining trust. He decided to bring me wherever he went, checked in with me on his way to work and back, cut off all ties with that girl, changed his phone number, and was even willing to relocate to another state; anything to earn my trust. Closing up the cut to start the healing stage was spending more family quality time together. This didn’t mean that our friends were erased from the picture, we just decided to set a day with no distractions, just our time spent with our family alone. Helping my mother wasn’t a top priority anymore. She understood my situation, so my time with her was when he was with his friends. The recovery period is improving our lives to have a better future for our family. We have set goals and dreams that we are slowly turning into reality. Although our past haunts us like an unearthed spirit, we will prove to family members and friends who have judged us that we have buried this issue and moved on.

When I am at the intersection of present with past (if my husband and I get into a major argument), I remind myself that that’s nothing compared to what we’ve already been through. This experience has taught me that I can never change a person because it is up to that certain individual to change. I can only be an influence by being a better person so that they can see the difference if they were to do the same. I have also reached a different level of maturity compared to others of my age because I can reflect on my life’s history and apply it to other people if they need help. Marrying at a young age and surviving a stormy marriage has shaped me into the woman that I am today. I know what I want out of life, so I continually strive harder each time I face a similar difficulty. Every time I reach that same intersection, I hold onto my husband’s hand like a child does to its parent before crossing a busy crosswalk, and remember that we are in it together.